Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Why I have Not Forgiven My Abuser

Note: This is kind of a copy/paste from what I wrote on Facebook today, inspired by a photo that I will also post here.

There is no forgiveness for the unrepentant, and one is also not repentant unless they truly change. This is why I have not forgiven my abuser, because even though he "apologized" many times, he was not truly sorry. He did not change in the slightest. In fact he lied under oath to God about what happened, saying "I don't remember any of that", and tried to keep me from getting what I needed to keep him away from me. If he had not lied, if he had been truly repentant, then maybe I could have forgiven him. But at this time I do not think it is possible for him to change, or even admit the truth.

Friday, June 27, 2014

What Happened to Me?

As many of you know, I had been girlfriend and at one time Fiance to my ex (Tothian) for about three years.

What you may not know, is the way he treats those closest to him. He has confessed himself that he has to control those around him, and the closer you are, the more control he needs.

And he is willing to do whatever he deems necessary to get that control.

Note: There are things that happened that I haven't put in this list, either because it was too humiliating or traumatizing for me to be able to think about for very long. So this is in no way a complete list.

Stuff he's done to me:


- Refused to let me have a cell phone
- Broke my laptop (twice)
- Broke his mother's laptop when he thought it was mine
- Tore some of my clothes and also a purse/wallet combo that were gifts
- Stole my money and a Kohl's gift card worth $20 when I ran away
- Wouldn't let me get a job, claiming that he didn't want to have to deal with the schedule and that he only wanted me taking orders from him and that he'd get me fired on the first day by not letting me get to work
- Got angry when I said words like "Okay", "yeah" or "maybe"
- Had me speak in very particular ways, eg. saying "thank-a you" with a very specific tone and pause, getting very angry when I messed up, that was by no means the only word or phrase he was like that with
- Tried to commit suicide several times in front of me and I had to stop him
- Threatened to kill my entire family, including young children
- Threatened to get my father fired from his job
- Kept changing his mind abut if he wanted me to leave or stay, had me convinced that any time he wanted me to go was temporary
- Was not allowed to eat or use the bathroom during an argument for up to hours at a time
- Forced me to block people that I didn't want to block and prevented me from contacting others
- Forced me to deactivate my Facebook account several times and stop posting or commenting on things
- Said that if I left I was to leave the RLSH Community or that he'd either out my personal information or kill me, my family, himself, and anyone who gets in his way
- Had me convinced that anyone who had anything bad to say about him was evil or a troll
- Threatened to force me to have an abortion if I ever became pregnant again, no matter who the father was

Physical Abuse

- Slapped me in the face numerous times
- Kicked me in the back so hard I couldn't move without extreme pain twice
- Kicked me in the crotch, causing me to bleed from the injury to my skin there
- Shoved me into a turned-off space heater, causing a cut on my right elbow that I still have a very visible one-inch scar from
- Choked me until I passed out and nearly died, revived me and went on about how sorry and scared he was afterwards, then later admitted the only reason he didn't completely kill me was because he didn't want to go to jail
- Shoved me onto the floor, got mad I was on the floor, and then picked me up by the hair
- Performed an "Indian Burn" on my arm (grabbed it with both hands and twisted in opposite directions)
- Broke two of my ribs by kicking me with his boots on twice, making four different times I had a broken rib, and also refused to take me to the Hospital or to get any kind of treatment or say anything to anyone about it
- Hit me with his cane and staff
- Threw a heavy tape dispenser at my head, causing me to bleed heavily from the right side of my hairline, continued to throw it at me other times even though he said he never wanted to see anyone bleed like that again
- If we were in the Kitchen/Dining room he would take the solid flat broken-off back of a wooden chair to threaten/hit me with
- Caused a miscarriage, which was extremely emotionally and mentally traumatizing

Sexual Abuse

- Kept pressing me to become bisexual/lesbian even though I told him repeatedly I wasn't like that (even crying a few times) until I started thinking I might have been
- Kept trying to press me into doing things with other people even though I didn't want to
- Kept having me tell him "stories" of what I'd do with friends or others in the Community even though I was uncomfortable with it

What Happened to Me Afterward?

He was arrested for assaulting me and I was finally able to get the police to take me to a Domestic Violence safe house. They were able to give me food and housing and help me get to court, where they evaluated my claims and were able to tell I was being truthful and I was able to get a permanent Restraining Order against him and he was added to the Central Domestic Violence Offender Registry and fingerprinted. He's also been submitted to the public Domestic Violence Offender registry at

PS. Now I've developed disabling PTSD due to the abuse. Thanks a lot you uncaring, narcissistic, psychopathic asshole.

Terms of the Permanent Restraining Order:

Where Plaintiff is me, and Defendant is my Ex


You are prohibited against future acts of domestic violence

You are banned from the following locations: 
  • Residence(s) of Plaintiff
  • Place(s) of employment of Plaintiff
  • Other - Safe house
You are prevented from having any (oral, written, personal, electronic or other) form of contact with Plaintiff and Others (Family)

You are prevented from making or causing anyone to make harassing communications to Plaintiff and Others (Family)

You are prohibited from stalking, following, or threatening to harm, to stalk, or to follow Plaintiff and Others (Family)

PROHIBITION AGAINST POSSESSION OF WEAPONS: You are prohibited from possessing any and all firearms or other weapons and must immediately surrender these firearms, weapons,permits to carry, applications to purchase firearms and firearms purchaser ID card to the officer serving this court Order: Failure to do so can result in your arrest and incarceration.

You must pay a civil penalty of $50.00 per N.J.S.A 2C:25-29 (DVVF) to: PAY THRU PROB within 30 days. You will be charged a $2.00 transaction fee for each payment or partial payment that you make.

A violation of any section of this Order by defendant may result in arrest and incarceration. Only a Court can change this Order.

More Info

- Last updated 5-21-2015

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Man and the Scorpion - A Story

An old man saw a scorpion drowning and decided to pull it out from the water. He calmly extended his hand to reach the creature.

When he did, the scorpion stung him. With the effect of the pain, the old man let go the creature and it fell back into the water. The man realizing that the scorpion was drowning again, got back and tried to rescue it but then again it stung him. He let go of it again.

A young boy standing by, approached the old man and said, “Excuse me Sir, you are going to hurt yourself trying to save the evil-vicious creature, why do you insist? Don't you realize that each time you try to help the scorpion, it stings you?”

The man replied, “The nature of the scorpion is to sting and mine is to help. My nature will not change in helping the scorpion.”

So the man thought for a while and used a leaf from a nearby tree and pulled the scorpion out from the water and saved its life.


Do not change your nature. If someone hurts you, just take precautions. Some pursue happiness while others create it. Let your conscience be your guide in whatever you do.

Author Unknown